Six of the Worst Sex Scenes in Film History

Knocking on wood: These marionettes really know how to get it on.

There’s no need to learn from one’s own romantic mistakes when you can learn from someone else’s instead. Whether absurd, awkward or humiliating, this list of scenes provides a perfect template of what not to do to make Valentine’s Day (or night) a success this year. Let’s all take a miscue from greats like Jason Biggs, Stacy Hamilton, and Jamie Lee Curtis.

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Frank Turner’s Restless Streak

Folk-punk icon Frank Turner

It would be a stretch to categorize Frank Turner as “nomadic,” but he does seem to get a little creeped out by staying in one place for too long. Like now—he’ll depart shortly for a U.S. tour with Social Distortion, which stops in Santa Cruz at the Civic Auditorium this week. But as we speak, on a rare gap in between tours, he’s at home in England.

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Where’s The Romance in The Movies?

A near-death experience plus all-conquering love put ‘The Vow’ squarely in the illness-as-aphrodesiac column.

Once upon a time, potential young lovers could watch a cancer movie together, hoping a weeping session would make that special someone all clingy and compliant. Ali MacGraw will be addressing a crowd at San Francisco’s Castro Theater this Valentine’s Day, along with a screening of Love Story (1970). If “Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry,” as that tearjerker’s famous tagline went, irony means never having to mean it when you say you’re sorry.

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Sex For (Non) Dummies

Coy title.

When I go to the mall or the Boardwalk, I like to get a chocolate-dipped banana. It’s a treat that tastes like dessert, but underneath that thin layer of candy coating it’s actually food, with real live food-type benefits like nutrients and enzymes. The sex book that landed on my desk last week, Great In Bed: Thrill the body… blow the mind (DK Publishing, $21.95), is like that chocolate-dipped banana.

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The Rules of Romantic Mixtapes

There's still time, lovergirls and loverboys. Photo by Cielle Taaffe.

My first boyfriend had the right idea. For Valentine’s Day in sixth grade, he gave me a single long-stem rose and a mixtape featuring The Beatles’ “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” It was romantic, age appropriate and showed solid good taste. That boy knew how to woo, and Sixth Grade Boyfriend and I are still friends nearly 20 years later.

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Oddfellows in Albert Nobbs

Hotel waiter Albert (Glenn Close) woos Helen (Mia Wasikowska) in ‘Albert Nobbs,’ opening Friday. Photo by Patrick Redmond.

After playing the part of a 19th–century British cross–dresser on the stage, Glenn Close worked to bring the tightly crafted character study to the big screen. Watching the poignant, if slight, results, we can understand just how tough it was for her to find financial backing for Albert Nobbs, a tidy period piece starring Close herself in the title role.

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